It Wasn't Worth It
by myshipsaresunk
Summary: Alt. Ending for Civil War. Tony makes a decision he regrets more than anything, and he and all the others have to live with the consequences. Is being right worth losing everything?
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters from Marvel, nor do I intend to infringe on any copyright rules. This is simply a work of fiction made for enjoyment

 **Rating:** T

 **Author's Note:** This is a one-shot based on how Civil War could end, drawn from my imagination, what we've seen in the trailers, and what are in the comics (especially the confession by Tony). A warning for overall sadness.

 **It Wasn't Worth It**

"Stay down. Final warning." His hand was raised, the repulsors ready to let loose right in the man's face.

"I can do this all day," came the hoarse, battered response, shaking fists coming up in defense.

His arm recoiled backwards as the white blast issued forth, and marked a historic day in America. In all of the world. This day became more well known than any civil war, than any war, and even more famous than nine-eleven. This day became a day not of victory, but of defeat. Not a day of glad tidings that the war is finally over, but a day to mourn. And mourn everyone in America did.

For today marks the day Captain America died.

* * *

This day isn't famous because he died; it's not that simple. Captain America had "died" before when he sacrificed himself to crash that plane full of bombs into the ice shelf, saving millions of lives. America had moved on after only a short time of mourning and an occasional remembrance. No, it wasn't that he died that makes this day so important.

It also isn't that Captain America died fighting for freedom. Yeah, he was, but many men die in the fight for freedom. Many brave men and women die in service of America, waging a war against those who would try to take away our constitutional rights. Captain America would be but just another casualty in a never-ending war.

It's how he died, and who killed him that makes today so important. He wasn't killed by some supervillian, or even just a bad guy; he wasn't killed by an enemy of America or assassinated by a disgruntled dictator or world power. No, he was killed by someone many considered a hero.

Not anymore. Iron Man's name is one people curse and spit at; very few are pleased to hear that name. Once a hero, then the inventor of a homicidal all-powerful artificial intelligence and now the murderer of America's most famous icon, he has fallen from glory quickly. People stopped buying his products. The media and public turned against him - those who hadn't already opposed him, that is. Only the government protects him.

No matter how enraged people are, he is untouchable: he killed Captain America under the orders of the government. Most people overlook that fact. After all, it isn't important who sent the orders so much as who followed them in the eyes of the public. In fact, one of the biggest debates at the heart of the conflict between the superheroes started because of that reason.

But for once, the billionaire inventor has nothing to say. There are no cocky comebacks, no sarcastic remarks, no withering insults. He has disappeared, it seems, running away from his responsibility.

And yet, there are rumors that say he regrets everything...

* * *

Captain America's body had been brought to the basement of the government facility not long after the fight. Iron Man had been the one to fly it in, the super soldier's broken frame cradled in the arms of the metal man. He'd blown by so fast no one could react in time, and when they tried to enter the room, they found it locked and barred from the inside. Not knowing what to do or what was going on, they report the incident and then back away, giving Iron Man time before taking any action. No one knows his intentions.

He doesn't, either. All he knows is that he's done something terrible. Unforgivable. Tony can try and convince himself that it wasn't his fault, that he had to do it, he had no choice - but they are all just excuses in the end.

Laying the body gently down on a marble slab, he slouches into a chair next to the lifeless man. His helmet he detaches and drops, letting the scraped metal clatter against the ground. He doesn't care. Such trivial things no longer hold any importance.

He killed Captain America. The man who embodied freedom and justice. The man who was everything Tony can't be. The man who was humble and brave to the end. The man who would've - had - given up his life for what he believed in.

But Captain America can come back. There will always be another man or woman courageous enough to pick up the shield and put on the suit. There will always be someone to hold on to freedoms tight and fight hard to defend those in need. There will always be another Captain America.

No, the worst crime is that he had killed Steve Rogers. The man who, when small and weak and practically dying, had still stood up against bullies. The man who was unflinchingly loyal. The man who would always come out of the burning building last. The man who would never stop and think when he saw someone getting hurt - he would just jump in and defend the victim. The man who would treat everyone as an equal. The man who would never stop doing the right thing. The man who had the biggest heart. The man who lost and lost and just kept losing, until he had nothing, but still kept fighting and still continued on because it was the right thing. The man who would fight until he died if he believed in something.

More than that, though, Steve Rogers was his fried. A man who sometimes clashed with him but always stood up for and trusted him. Steve never held a grudge, and that's not an easy feat when it comes to Tony, and he knows it. Steve is the man who would chide him for his language, who would attend his fancy parties even if he didn't really want to, who would throw himself in front of a bullet for him. Steve is the man who would have been his second best man at his wedding. Steve is the man who he would invite over for movie marathons over anyone else. Steve is the man who would test out any motorcycle Tony designed and give honest feedback. Steve is the only man who Tony ever took orders from.

And Tony had killed him.

The realization finally strikes him, and it hits him hard. "Oh, God," he sobs, laying his forehead against the cold stone in front of him. Tears streak down his face in an unending torrent, but it doesn't matter. It's too late to be thinking this.

It's too late.

Screw the government for making him choose between his beliefs and his friend. Screw Ultron for becoming a maniac and setting off this whole situation a year ago. Screw General Ross and everyone else who assured him he was making the right choice.

They aren't the ones who have to deal with this pain.

Screw himself for being too prideful to admit that he had been the one to make the biggest mistakes, not Steve. Screw himself for not just taking the man captive. Screw himself for holding so much anger towards Barnes when the old soldier had been brainwashed to do what he had done. Screw himself for siding with the people who tried to oppress him over and over and over again. Screw himself for being selfish and not taking responsibility for his actions.

He did this to himself.

If only he hadn't been so set on getting revenge on Barnes for murdering his parents even though the assassin was brainwashed by HYDRA. If only he hadn't been too prideful to take full responsibility for Ultron and the destruction of Sokovia. If only he hadn't forced Steve to do something that went against the super soldier's beliefs. If only he hadn't torn the team apart himself with his arrogance and his stubbornness.

It isn't just the American people that are upset over Steve's death. Most of them don't know him like the team does. Tony can never get the image of their faces out of his head. When Rhodey had died, Tony had been pissed beyond belief. It was his best friend, the Bucky to his Steve. But Rhodey was a soldier, and soldiers die every day. Tony had prepared for that possibility long ago. It had just been a matter of time before it actually happened.

Steve, though...Steve had been the only one to believe in some of them. Steve had been the only to accept some of them. Steve had been a father figure, a friend, a brother, that cool uncle who spoils you. He had been anything they needed, and he had protected them all to his bitter end. Steve had died defending their freedoms for God's Sake!

All of them, even the ones who backed Tony, had been absolutely crushed. He can still see their reactions vividly, so vividly...

Barnes had fallen to his knees, the edges of his stumped metal arm sparking as he flung away his gun with his one good hand and clutched at Steve with it, his dark eyes wide with disbelief and his face conflicted. Steve had brought him back when he had been lost and confused, and Steve had seen him as a victim, not as villain. No one else is there to protect him from HYDRA or the America government now.

Barton had bowed his head in mourning and had lowered his bow, dropping it on the ground in defeat. Without their fierce and unmoving leader, what was the point in resisting?

Sam had closed his eyes, the tears dropping down his face. He'd lost another comrade, another partner. Steve had changed his life for the better, inviting him to use his skills for something more than just morning jogs around the capital and a help-session at the VA every afternoon. There's no reason for Sam to stay without Steve there. He had become his right-hand man.

Scott, a newcomer who had quickly grown fond of Steve, had run in shrunken form up his arm, checking his pulse before walking forlornly back down to sit disheartened in the palm of the super soldier's open hand, his head buried in his arms. Loss is new to the light-hearted vigilante.

Wanda first caught her breath, unable to release it for a long second. When she finally did, a scream of anger and pain came out, and she turned her red-eyed gaze to Stark, rage on her fair face and her power curling around her hands. If not for respect of the dead she would have ended his life right there and then. Instead she let Tony relive that vision of the Avengers lying dead in a pile, Steve choking out, "You could...have...saved us..." Yes, Tony could have saved them if he hadn't been so damn prideful and hadn't ripped them apart.

Sharon stood with her fists clenched tightly at her sides, her face clear of emotion as she gazed upon the body of the man who she had lived next to and protected for months. In the end, she wasn't enough to keep him from harm.

Peter Parker, still so young and innocent, looked horrified as he beheld the dying breath of a man whom he had idolized his entire life. Steve had inspired him to be brave without even coming into contact with him, and never in his life had Peter actually realized that superheroes could die. And he certainly would not have been involved in all this business in the first place if he had known it would end this way. His jaw was open, and when he locked his teary eyes with Tony he shot him a look that was both accusing and unforgiving. Backing away slowly, the boy slipped his mask on and disappeared.

Vision gave Tony the same look, and he had walked up for Steve, laid a hand on his forehead, whispered something Tony couldn't hear sadly, and then had taken off. He hadn't been seen since.

Black Panther had watched the old soldier fall, and looked on as the Winter Soldier, the man he'd been hunting, fell next to his friend. Then the Wakanda leader had turned and left without a word, his work done.

And Natasha...Natasha had rushed forward, kneeling on the opposite side of Barnes. Trembling hands she placed gently over his face, shutting his blue eyes softly forever. She had spared one more glance at his terrible wounds before standing up. Tony had seen she had no tears upon her face, and no anger. Like Sharon, she was emotionless, but unlike Sharon, it seemed cold and terrifying. She started to stalk up towards Tony, and if Barton hadn't stopped her, Tony knew she would have killed him. Natasha's heart had always been with Steve from the very beginning, as she and him were as close as siblings, and she had always been on the verge of changing sides. She had constantly warned Tony against the treachery of the government and the consequences he might face as he continued down this path, and he knew he had gone much too far this time. But Clint had wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, keeping her from exacting cold blooded revenge. Her muscles never relaxed and she never shed a tear, but her icyness was more terrifying than anything.

Tony had taken off at that moment, seeing that everyone had turned against him. He had swept away Steve's body with him, not knowing what else to do.

Here he is now, still not knowing what to do. He has ruined everything. All his relationships are dead. The team hates him, and some of them want to kill him. He destroyed Peter Parker's innocence and has stained his state of mind. Pepper won't answer his calls, won't talk to him. Rhodey is dead. Tony freaking killed one of his best friends, knowing what he was doing to entire time.

"I'm so sorry," he cries, unable to look at Steve. "God, I'm so sorry. I could shout it to the world and it wouldn't be loud enough. I could save everyone on this planet from death and it wouldn't be good enough. I could go back in time and I'd still know what I had done. Nothing will ever be enough."

All of Steve's accusations came to him in a flurry, all his talks about freedom and justice and all his last-minute heroics to save every single person and all the bullets he'd taken for the others on the team, Tony included, and all his jokes and all his motivating speeches and all the memories of parties at the Tower and movie nights and drinking contests and in-battle banter and their plans for the future - it all means nothing now. Tony has lost everything, but that pain pales in contrast to the regret he feels.

"You never wanted anything except freedom. I knew that. I admired you for it. Hell, everyone did. You were the man everyone aspired to be and yet no one could become. You were just too good. I grew up listening to my dad and Peggy tell stories about your bravery, and I knew I could never measure up. I know now more than ever of that."

Three memories stick out in the haze of his grief. The first one is of several years back, not long after he had met him for the first time. Tony had just flown a nuke into outer space, and had fallen back to earth ungracefully. When he had opened his eyes he'd seen the Avengers watching him worriedly; then Steve had looked up to the sky, his face covered in battle grime but his expression one of hidden relief, like a soldier who has lost many friends in battle but didn't lose one for once. Never before then had Tony realized how much Steve cared about all of them.

The second memory is of one right when Tony first showed up to sign the Sokovian Accords. Steve hadn't looked betrayed or angry; instead he had fixed Tony with a steady, serious gaze. "This is more than just you and me, and the damage we've done," the old soldier had said, sounding slightly weary. "If you sign this, you are signing a declaration of war. Are you ready to live with the consequences of your decisions?"

"I'm saving lives," Tony had insisted. "We might never work together again, and we might lose our friendship. I might have to do horrible things, and the world may not like me. They may hate me. I'm going to have to ask hard questions and tell terrible lies, but it's the right thing. I'm saving lives, Steve. That's most important to me. No kids deserve to be orphaned like me, and no parents should have to bury their kids."

Steve had inclined his head forwards, though he looked like he didn't agree. And Tony had needed him to know how seriously he took this. "I am going to live with whatever happens. I have to. I am willing to go all the way through with this, to the very end, no matter what it is."

"If you believe that strongly," Steve had replied, "then you will not change your mind. I've seen it many times before. But before you commit yourself, I want to warn you to consider whether it is worth it or not. Is losing your friends and gaining many enemies worth being right? Is risking your life worth winning for?"

"It's saving lives!" Tony had exclaimed, shocked. "Of course it's worth it! It will always be worth it!"

The third memory had occurred not long after the second. Steve and Sam had been brought in by the government, and their weapons taken away. Without his Exo-Falcon suit Sam was nothing but a man, and without his shield, Steve seemed like a weary old man fighting a war he didn't want to. Tony, of course, had been brought in to talk to Steve first.

"We need to be put in check," Tony had said. "Why won't you just sign it? It's saving lives! It's the right thing!"

"Sorry, Tony," Steve had replied, and he sounded sorry. "If I see a situation pointed south, I can't ignore it. Sometimes I wish I could."

 _Sometimes I wish I could._ That phrase is stuck in Tony's mind, replaying over and over and over again. Steve is - was - such a good person that he can't help being good. He can't wait for the government to okay him to take action. Steve can't sign the Accords because he always does the right thing, and that's help people immediately, before it's too late.

And only now is Tony realizing that the whole war had been pointless. Steve would have never agreed to sign them, and many others would follow him to the ends of the earth. Hell, Barnes had been muttering something about "to the end of the line" after Steve had fallen. As long as Captain America had stood tall, others would resist. They could have captured Steve, but others would help him break out. As long as he had been alive he had been a threat. From the very beginning, Steve had been doomed to die. The very thing that made him strong and good - his unending bravery and his selflessness and his big heart - had ending up being his fatal flaw.

"You just couldn't keep yourself from a fight, could you?" Tony asks, his tears dried up now. "Even if you tried, even dead on your feet - that little guy who fought bigger guys and just kept putting those fists up. 'I can do this all day,' you always said. I never doubted you. With of without the super soldier serum you'd fight to the bitter end. I guess that's what makes you such a good man." The inventor sighs, and lowers his head. "But it also made you so damaged. The world moved on without you, and no matter how hard you tried to assimilate, you were always Steven Grant Rogers, the boy from Brooklyn. If I was half the man you were, I could change the world. You did. But I'm always just going to be a big man in a metal suit with billions of dollars. The man who has everything and nothing."

There is a long pause as Tony tries to collect his words. He doesn't want to ramble on like he usually does. Not here. Not now. Steve deserves better. "When Rhodey died, I was devastated. He was my best friend, you know? I kept going on because I thought it was the right thing to do. Just like when you were fighting the war and Barnes fell off that train. He was everything to you, but you kept going because you were honoring his memory and his sacrifice. I thought I was doing the same for Rhodes. I wasn't. I was doing him a dishonor. He looked up to you. I don't know if you knew that. You were part of the reason he decided to go into the military. He always wanted to meet you, and he was ecstatic when he had the chance to help us in Sokovia because he was helping Captain freakin' America. You had that impression on a lot of people. I'm the opposite. People are inspired to help me because they think I'll give them money. Well I'll give up all my money to just get you back. It doesn't work that way, though. I couldn't save Rhodes, but I could have prevented his death. Steve, you were my friend. A true friend. Even when we were fighting a small part of me hoped that we could still patch things up afterwards. I know I said I could live with losing my friends, but I was wrong. If I had known that I would lose both Rhodey and you, my two best friends, I wouldn't have done it. I'm so angry at myself for not having the courage to speak up and stop the war before it had come to this.

"I have never hated myself more in this moment. I said I was willing to face the consequences of my actions no matter what the personal cost, but God, I never thought the price would be this high. How do you do this? How did you crash into the ice and come back after losing everyone and everything you loved? You never seemed to miss a beat, yet you must have been in this much pain all the time. And then when Zola revealed you died for nothing and Barnes came back just to kill you...how did you keep going? How could you? You need to tell me, Steve. I need your help if I'm going to get through this. There's no one else I can talk to anymore, no one left that will forgive me. You would. You always forgave people despite the terrible things they did and continue to do. I don't know how, but you did. I want to learn to be like you. I want to do the right thing without making horrible consequences."

And now Tony is crying again, the tears falling freely onto the marble and mixing in with Steve's blood. "My dad always told me stories about you, but I thought they were simply legends. No man could be that selfless, that brave, that good. You were just a veteran exaggerated by my dad to inspire me to behave better. And when I met you and saw that everything was true...I hated you at first. I hated you for making me look bad by being so good. But you didn't mean to belittle anyone. It was just part of your nature.

"I'm rambling again, and I promised myself I wouldn't do that, but I can't help it. This is my nature. To make mistakes and not be able to redeem myself for them. I guess I'm just trying to say that somehow you knew all along how this would end. And there is one thing I can't tell anyone except for you. No one else would understand me or forgive me long enough to listen. But you have forever to listen.

"I know I said I was willing to go all the way with this, but the one thing I can't live with has happened. You _died_. I _killed_ you. I never meant for it to happen. And, Steve - it wasn't worth it. _It wasn't worth it._ "

His forehead hits the concrete and he can no longer speak past the sobs. He barely hears the door finally open, barely feels the men dragging him away.

What does it matter now? Steve is dead. Nothing matters anymore.

* * *

"The American people are outraged," General Ross says, but Tony is barely listening. This man started everything, and it seems he is going to finish it, too. "I know you did what we told you to, Mr. Stark, but we can't protect you from everything. You'll want to double or even triple your security."

"Set me a press conference up," Tony interrupts.

"What?" General Ross is surprised, but he quickly covers it up. "That's not a good idea. We have politicians defending you to the press already. We wouldn't want to add any fuel to the fire."

"The public wants to hear me. So let them hear me." Tony looks the man straight in the eyes. "I'll take full responsibility. I will tell the people what they want to hear."

"Are you sure?" The general does not seem convinced, but Tony can't deal with his crap right now.

"My best friend just died," Tony says, leaning forward to get in the man's face. "Two of my best friends died. I killed one of them following your orders. Let me hold a damn press conference and I will tell the public what they want to know. They need a scapegoat and I need to make this right. I didn't kill Steve to just cower away in my Tower for the rest of my life alone."

The man stared Stark down until finally nodding. "One press conference. Anything goes wrong, it's on you."

* * *

Tony dresses in a black suit, white shirt, and red tie. His hair is meticulously groomed, his beard newly trimmed, and his injuries stitched up and bandaged up. None of that can cover the shadow over his eyes or the dark bags under them. He looks older, and more weary.

When he steps up to the podium, cameras and microphones shoving in all around me, he isn't expecting a war welcome. He doesn't get one; most people are yelling at him and accusing him.

"How could you betray Captain Rogers like that?"

"Why couldn't you have captured him instead of killing him?"

"Captain America was just trying to defend his freedoms!"

"I thought he was your friend!"

Tony raises his hand, and the chatter dies down. He angles the microphone up to his mouth, and scans the room. He had a speech all prepared, but now he can't say any of it. All he can do is speak his heart.

"James Rhodes was my best friend. His death at the hands of the Winter Soldier made me angry and grieved beyond belief, and in that pain I forgot who I am and why I do what I do. I started the rivalry because I wanted to save lives and redeem myself after the Sokovian Incident. I thought government involvement would be the easiest and best way to have superhero accountability. Steve Rogers, a better man than myself, knew better. He had faced corrupt governments many times, and he himself had been used by SHIELD through a corrupt government. More than anyone he knew why government regulation was bad. I should have listened to him, and maybe we could have made a compromise that would have stopped this war before it started. But I am selfish, and full of pride, and I said things I shouldn't and did things I regret. A war started, and nothing could stop it. Once Steve died, we all realized how pointless the whole fight was, and we all stopped.

"Steve was the glue who held the Avengers together. He was our fearless and courageous leader, loyal to the very end. He had the chance to kill me, but he never did. He always pulled his punches just enough. I wish I had the same discipline. Steve cared for every single one of us, even when we opposed him. He accepted us as we were, a ragtag group of misfits with the power and strength to kill and destroy. He took all that potential and aimed it towards the bad guys. With him as our leader, who could stop us?

"More than that, though, Steve had a big heart. Bigger than anyone will ever know. If he saw someone in need, he helped them, despite the situation or the convenience. He couldn't do anything else. His nature was to help others, and this war - this civil war - tore his big heart to pieces. I saw it in his eyes and in the slightest slump of his shoulders every time we fought.

"I guess that's all to say that Steve didn't deserve to die. I should have been the one to die, not him. He always said that anyone who tries to stop a war before it starts only ends up hurting more people, and only now do I see the wisdom in his words. I do not regret signing the Sokovian Accords, but I regret everything else I did. And...I am here to say that I will take full responsibility for my actions. I killed a man, and I will pay whatever price is necessary, though it will not bring him back. Nothing will. But I can honor his memory by stepping out of the superhero light. There is no more Iron Man. I will destroy all the suits, and I am completely quitting my company. I will go to court and accept whatever sentence is given to me."

For once, everyone is silent. No one knows what to say. Surely this man in front of them is not Tony Stark, the same playboy billionaire from a few years ago.

Finally one woman dares to ask a question. "Who will protect us without you or Captain America or the others?"

"No one," Tony replies, and everyone starts yelling immediately. He quiets them down and continues. "You were the ones who complained about us being too destructive in our efforts to protect you, so we tried to put in place a system of checks and balances. It violated our freedoms, and half of us didn't want to sign off our rights. The few of us who did agree tried to talk with them, but talk failed. Instead another war happened, and more innocent people were hurt, even with government overview. Captain America died because he resisted, just like the constitution gives us a right to do. You're upset that he died, but you were the ones who put him in that place. Now other superheroes are scattered, hiding so they aren't captured or killed, and once against you're complaining that we aren't here anymore. You're never satisfied."

Silence fills the air again. "So...that's it? The age of miracles and superheroes is over? But we can't protect ourselves on our own!"

"Should've thought about that before you complained," Tony shoots back.

This time there's no more questions and no more answers, and one by one everyone walks shamefully out, heads bowed.

Tony Stark allows himself to be led out in handcuffs, officers of the law escorting him.

In California, Pepper Potts is desperately trying to call him one more time, one last goodbye before he's incarcerated or worse. It never goes through.

In DC, Sam Wilson is gathering up most valued possessions and packing them. He must flee,but to where he doesn't know yet. As he packs the last of his items, he comes across the picture of him and Riley, and despair settles over him. He's lost another one of his partners and best friends in a war that had been avoidable.

Natasha Romanoff is driving alone in a stolen car, rifling through her fake IDs to decide who to become next. Without Steve, she doesn't know who to be or where to go or what to do.

In an old farmhouse Clint and Wanda sit silently on the old swing on the porch, watching the sunset and having a silent conversation only two damaged people who understand each can have. With Steve gone, Wanda has no one but the old archer.

Barnes turns himself in to the government not long after Tony, being lost and directionless without the only person who believed in him. No one is left to protect him, and the old veteran believes he deserves punishment for his crimes, even if he hadn't committed them willfully.

Scott Lang returns to his daughter, holding her tight as she cries. She isn't old enough to understand why Captain America was killed, and she doesn't know that her daddy could have prevented it if he had just been a little faster, a little stronger, a little _more_.

Vision has been sitting by Steve's grave - not his public monument, but his private grave - for days, trying to understand how two great human beings had done such horrible things to each other. He can't figure it out, no matter how much time passes.

Sharon quits SHIELD and the spy life. She has lost both her aunt and a friend. She realizes life is too short for waiting, so she travels without a destination, ready for her life to really begin.

T'Challa returns to Wakanda, but there is a new solemness about him. He had always respected Captain America for being willing to die for his country, and seeing it actually happen in front of his very eyes has changed him.

Peter Parker has returned to his old life. He goes to high school and is still the same old teenager he once was, but everyday when he returns to his apartment with his aunt and uncle he stares at the suit in his closet and the shield poster on his wall, wondering - knowing- he could have stopped it all and questioning why he had been involved in the first place.

All across America and the world, crime rates rise as superheroes retreat for fear of being killed or arrested, and old villains begin plotting anew, not having to worry about any super opposition.

The good and the brave hide and lose heart.


End file.
